Parenting is a Mission - like all missions, it can be Fun and Engaging, while also being one of our toughest assignments
My last blog on The attributes of Leaders who are World Class did not generate as much interest as my blog about aircraft safety and performance. This could mean that I am more recognized as an aircraft buff than as a World Class leader, or it could mean that people are just more switched on by a technical article than a subjective opinion post.
For today, as a Dad of 25 years, I turn to the joy of parenting and it's many surprises. There is a unique view held by members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, of which I am one. In this context, the word "unique" does not imply that other people do not hold the same view, only that all the members of the church would claim to hold this view or a close variation of it. The maxim I refer to is that "there is no other success in life that can compensate for failure in the home." The amazing and surprising thing is that what may appear as failure in the home seems to be very possible even when capable parents make the home their highest priority. In fact, some of the very most dedicated and very best parents can have great challenges in establishing a house of order and peace and harmony and securing or at least facilitating the future success of their children.
The reasons for this are many. Children can be moulded to some degree, but they also come pre-packaged with attributes, predispositions, tendencies, vulnerabilities and their own views on what they want. The ideals of the parents can quickly turn into confusion when a young strong willed and independently minded child decides to do his or her own thing instead of listening to well meaning parent teachers.
It is for this reason that the most important advice for parents is to work hard but don't sweat the outcome. This advice of course is somewhat non sensical as most Dads will not sweat and most Moms will, regardless of this encouragement. This is not a gender equality issue, it is just that Moms are usually hard wired to worry about their kids and Dads not so much. It is for this reason that my second advice is for Dad to not be too complacent in his role of teaching his kids right and wrong and steering them with a guiding (not controlling or punitive) hand. Talking to your kids from the time they are young, even in a formal way ("time for your Daddy/Daughter semi-annual interview") is a very good practice. Your role is to teach your children things that they may not always agree with. It is not a bad thing to remind your kids that you have this role in their lives so that they do not react so dramatically or surprised when they hear you taking a position that it is opposed to the way things are generally done in the homes of all their friends. In other words, Dad, STAND IN YOUR PLACE!! Teach you children and do not forfeit your role to Mom or anyone else. Your role is indispensable in your children's lives, just as Mom's is.
I love the teachings in Barbara Coloroso's books on raising children. She is very inspired. Her analogies that describe different types of parents as "jellyfish", "brickwall" or "backbone" are very important to understand. We often believe that there are only 2 choices in parenting, and finding the third alternative (backbone) is an important revelation. As Stephen Covey said, "don't allow other people's weaknesses to control your life", including the weaknesses of your children. This is a prerequisite to being the backbone parent we all admire. I have found again that Moms are more likely to get ensnared in inter-meshing of emotions that allows children's weaknesses to take control of their parents. Thus the importance, again, of Dad being vigilant in both protecting Mom's sanity and also setting up and maintaining the backbone role of both parents. Like everything in the home, this is something that Mom and Dad do together as equals, and it is ok and there is no gender equality at stake when I say that Dad is often wired to take the lead in this important area of setting the backbone. Please also remember that if you are going to "lean" from the backbone behaviour, towards jellyfish or brickwall, Barbara will tell you that it's usually better to lean towards being the loving parent than risking the total loss of respect and credibility as someone that is "in their corner" that is a certain outcome when you behave like a brickwall. Apply the principles taught in the 121st section of the Doctrine and Covenants and you will always be a winning parent in the long run.
Do not abuse your children in any way, it will never pay off in the long run. You may get their attention and compliance for a while, but the long term consequences will be very negative. This is not to say that you cannot correct your children firmly and with definitive consequences. Just do it in a way that is not in any way abusive. Living on the right side of this "fine line" will come with practice. Do not beat yourself up too badly every time you yell at the kids. Just know that when you start yelling, you have stepped into the "their weaknesses are controlling my life" arena, where you don't want to or need to hang out. See how all these encouragements to become good parents are connected? Choose your battles is often but not always a good practice. You don't want to create too many unwieldy precedents that work against you in the battles you do choose. On the other hand, why think of your relationship as a battle? Better to think of it as a mission. In this spirit, the statement "choose your teaching opportunities" is a better statement. Too much teaching will quickly be perceived as lecturing by your kids. Regardless if they complain about your lecturing, do not stop teaching them - just work at improving your teaching methods and keep teaching, even if the kids are resisting. Remind them that it is your role to teach and it is their role to learn. You are both teachers and learners, so remember to be humble enough to learn from your children, while never forfeiting your role.
Parenting is a wild roller coaster ride and it is the greatest and most fulfilling experience, even if the rewards may be elusive. Enjoy the journey. It will be over before you realize it, just like every mission that you devote your best efforts to.
I will, by the way, be pressuring my kids to read this and give me feedback. I can hear it now, "DAD, You are embarrassing me."
